Edward's Love and Sanity
by dez3b
Summary: What would hapen if Edward came back a few months early in new moon and had to try to deal with Bella, Jacob, and his own fears.
1. Chapter 1

He told himself it was just a short look, that he was just going to check on her, make sure she was ok, that she was…happy. But he knew why he was there, he heard the voice screaming in the back of his mind, compelling him toward her, forcing his feet to walk, no, run through the woods toward her house.

He missed her.

No, there was more to it then that when he actually thought about it. He didn't just miss her, he was useless without her. He couldn't do anything, couldn't stand to be around happiness. That was why he had left his family. For the first time in over 80 years he left them, devastating Esme, and hid out, letting the misery overtake him. There was the distraction of tracking Victoria, but it was minor, and she was always there, calling him back to her…Bella. Even thinking the name hurt him, cut him to the core. He tried to avoid it, tried to avoid thinking about her at all, but his mind was vast and had the capacity to handle multiple thoughts at the same time, so, in truth, he was always thinking about her, and sometimes, only once in a while because he knew the pain of it would overwhelm him when he came back from it, he imagined being with her again. He imagined their reunion, where nothing had changed, where he confessed his undying, he smirked at the word because of the truth that it rang, love for her and his unyielding apology. That the words he said 5 months before were nothing more than lies in a misguided attempt to protect her, because he thought it was best for her. But she didn't care, she took him back, held him in her arms and assured him that her love hadn't, couldn't wane in the slightest, that she was undeniably his.

He pulled himself back from this fantasy before it went any further. The pain from knowing that this was not the case, could not be the case was exquisite. He had left for safety, because he loved her, and he could only hope that she had moved on, found something new, someone else besides him.


	2. Chapter 2

He approached the house from the backside and saw her window. He listened but heard nothing mentally from inside. This would mean nothing if she was there of course, but at least it meant that Charlie was not around.

He darted around the front of the house and saw that her truck was gone. Of course, this could mean nothing as well as the truck was decrepit and could have died while he was gone. He smiled at the thought and then immediately frowned. If it had died, he could have gotten her something new, something better, and even if she had refused, he could have at least driven her to school, and to work, and….He trailed off, trying to stop that line of thinking as well, but it had already planted a seed in his mind.

Figuring that he had stalled long enough, he rounded toward the back of the house once more and scaled the wall to peer into her window. He looked in and saw that she wasn't there. He realized that this was not surprising given it was the middle of the day on a Wednesday. He had forgotten the day, he had lost track of a lot of things in the past few months.

He tried to open the window, tugging at it slightly, but found that it would not open. He then saw that the latch was closed around the top of the window. Bella had locked the window.

Bella didn't want him to come back.

He shook the thought away, it was because it was cold and she wanted to keep the window closed, or because of security, her father was the chief of police. The flimsy excuses ran rampant through his head while another portion of his brain screamed at him, telling him to accept this, telling him that this was what he wanted all along and he should be happy, but it was too late.

Her scent, her amazing, incredible scent had already filled his nostrils. He could smell it permeating from the house. It no longer had the same affect on him, not longer made his mouth water. He had been without her for what seemed such a long time that it was both comforting and achingly horrible.

He shook away any doubt and climbed down the house, before going around to the front door. It was true that he could have easily broken into the house, but he didn't want anyone to know that he was here, not yet. He just hoped that Alice wasn't paying attention, or at least that she didn't tell anyone what he was doing. He briefly wondered what outcome she saw to this, good or bad. And then he wondered what a good outcome truly was, Bella accepting him back or Bella having moved on, able to be without him.

He couldn't settle on an answer.

He worked his hand along the door frame, over the top, hoping it was still there and came upon a spare key. He placed it in the lock and turned, opening the door in one quick motion.

The scent hit him like a ton of bricks. He could barely close the door before he doubled over and was forced to sit. He was….overwhelmed. There was no other word for it. Everything, every memory, every emotion, every moment that he had spent with her came flooding back, and every reason for leaving seemed like a horrendously poor excuse.

He sat there for what seemed a long time before he recovered himself. He was there to check on her, make sure she was happy and safe. This was not about him, if he really loved her he had to let her go.

He walked up the stairs toward her room, the scent was even more potent there, but he was ready this time. He walked in and saw that the room had not changed much. Same covers on the bed, same books on the shelf, same cds on the desk.

Hmmm…he wondered if she had found them. He got on his knees and found the boards, lifting them up carefully, ensuring that he could replace them with ease. He found the items there, the CD, the tickets, and the pictures. The beautiful pictures of Bella standing next to him…when she was still his.

He replaced the item and the floor boards quickly, before they could do further harm to him, though he wondered if that was even possible at this moment, and that was when he heard it. The roaring engine of the 1967 Chevy.

He must have been on the front room floor longer than he realized. He had to get out of here fast. He would still try to fulfill his vow of not seeing her, of just checking on her.

He remembered the key he still held and the fact that the front door was currently unlocked. He had to remedy that…and quickly.

He got up intent to rush down the stairs and fly out the front door when he remembered the latch. It would be so easy to unlock it, just a flick of the finger and he could get in…just to check on her. She was most truthful when she slept and considering he was trying to avoid actually seeing her, this was the best compromise. He would hopefully hear what she was actually thinking.

He unlocked the window, brushing aside any qualms he had about his plan, or the fact that he could easily have heard what she was saying in her sleep without entering her room, and rushed out the front door, locking it behind him and replacing the key.

Then came the most difficult choice, he didn't know if he was strong enough to see Bella right now. He wanted so much to just look at her, but he knew once he did this, right now, while her scent permeated his existence, he would have to talk with her, touch her, and while his entire being screamed for that, demanded that, the rational portion of him told him to leave…now. So with a glimpse toward her truck as it meandered its way down the street, he took off into the woods, just as the sun was setting and twilight was descending.


	3. Chapter 3

He ran for a while, not really knowing where he was headed, until he ended up at his old house, empty now. It was as good a place as any to spend a few hours. He had to hide out anyway, he was supposed to be long gone from this place and he didn't feel like dealing with anyone, hadn't felt like dealing with anyone in a long time, five months or so.

Pushing that thought aside, he ran toward the house, feeling an odd mixture of joy and pain, joy at being close to her, just being near her, and pain at the realization that he had to leave, and soon. He disregarded that thought as well with the intention of simply getting to his house. They had left the furniture and most everything for easy access in case they came back. Edward had told them that they could never come back. Bella's father lived here and someone would surely recognize them, but they had left in a hurry and as far as he knew, Esme had not yet retrieved her furniture.

Still, it was devoid of anyone, human or vampire and that was what Edward wanted most, a chance to be alone with his thoughts.

So it was a real shock to him when he heard Alice's mind, clear as a bell saying, "Don't try to run Edward, I know you're here."


	4. Chapter 4

He stopped in shock, standing in the woods, unable to move forward. They were here…HERE…in Forks.

Alice suddenly appeared beside him, "Edward, you really are rather distracted aren't you? Couldn't even hear me coming." Her smile was easy and inviting.

"Alice, what are you doing here?" he demanded.

"I saw you coming back and besides," she pouted, " I miss Bella."

"Stay away from her," he roared, "we've interfered enough in her life."

She rolled her eyes, "Edward, you've come back, why shouldn't I get to play with Bella too?"

"I'm not going to speak to her, or even get near her."

Alice looked him straight in the eye, seemingly straight through to his soul, "Edward, don't lie to me…and don't lie to yourself."

He saw her mind flash toward a future, a future where he saw himself with Bella, where he saw himself begging Bella to take him back, to love him again…but there was something wrong…with Bella. She was in the hospital…she was sick.

"What-" he started and then he was resolved, "I have to leave, I have to get out of here," He turned to run, he couldn't let that future pass, he couldn't let Bella get hurt and that was what would happen if he stayed.

"Sorry, Edward, we can't let you do that," Edward found himself staring into Emmet's massive grin, "didn't even hear me coming," he chuckled and grabbed Edward to keep him from leaving.

Edward struggled against the bonds, "Emmett," he growled.

Alice flitted up next to them and placed her hand on Edward's arm, "Edward, Laurent came back for Bella."

Edward stopped his struggling and stared at Alice, horrorstruck, "Laurent…," it was too horrible to think about, his beautiful, sweet Bella who had done nothing, had hurt no one, in such danger, and him, her sworn protector, not here to help her. He felt as if his world had collapsed, he felt such despair. When he left, he thought he could feel nothing worse than being away from her, but this…this was pure torture, to think that he not only put her in danger but then abandoned her to the consequences. He was a monster, of the very worst vein.

He resolved himself, "Emmett, let me go," he yelled, "I have to get to Laurent,"

Alice spoke, "Laurent is dead, Edward, its Victoria that we must worry about now."

"Dead? How?," Edward was flabbergasted.

Alice and Emmett exchanged a look before Alice explained, "Edward, Bella made some…friends while you were gone."

This hit him extremely hard, she had moved on, and rightly so, he was the worst creature on the planet, it was only fair that she found someone else. Still…he felt completely wretched knowing it was so.

Alice continued, "Edward, it's not what you think, "he looked up toward her, "she never stopped loving you, but she was…destroyed when you left. She started hanging out with Jacob Black…Edward, "Alice looked down toward him. The name clicked, Ephraim Black's descendent. Was he..? Could he be…? "He's a werewolf Edward," Alice provided the blank, "…a newborn one."

"What?!?" Edward roared, breaking Emmett's grip on him, overturning trees as he raged around the clearing they were in. "She promised," he continued raving, "she promised to keep herself safe and then what does she do, she makes friends with a werewolf, a newborn werewolf. What was she thinking? Typical Bella, can't keep herself safe, she'll need to be looked after her entire life, can't manage it herself."

He stopped, realizing what he just said and how it made him feel….it was a good feeling, he decided, it felt as if a weight had lifted off of his shoulders. He was decided, he couldn't leave her, not now, not ever. He just had to hope that she would take him back.

Alice smiled, "There, much better, everything is coming together, not at all twisting anymore."


	5. Chapter 5

"I have to go get her, I have to go get her now," Edward was railing and pacing at the same time.

Waves of calm surrounded him and prevented him from running straight out of the clearing as Jasper appeared by his side.

"Edward," he calmly acknowledged Jasper's presence with a nod as Jasper slid next to Alice and placed an arm around her waist, never once breaking the calm he was throwing toward Edward.

"You can't do that Edward," Alice calmly commanded.

"And why not!?!" he roared, "It's not like she'll be able to resist and she certainly can't be trusted to make her own judgments. She heads right for the werewolves and doesn't even know it."

Alice shot a glance at Jasper but Edward continued pacing around the clearing as Emmett and Jasper cut off his exit points and failed to notice its significance.

Alice calmly continued, "Besides the fact that you left Bella with no word as to where you were going and telling her that you'd never be back, "Alice shot Edward a look as he remembered the horrible things he had told Bella to try to keep her safe, the horrible things that made him feel like nothing…worse than nothing. Alice continued, either oblivious or more likely ignoring Edward's pain, "You might not want to burst in on the woman you love and steal her away in the night. I doubt she'll forgive you twice."

Edward stopped his pacing, "Twice?" he questioned and then quickly closed the distance between himself and Alice.

He stopped and looked her in the eye as she leveled her gaze at him, "Yes Edward, twice," and then she opened her mind and he saw it, saw Bella forgiving him, taking him back, loving him once more, "but Edward, when you consider going and grabbing her she just…disappears." Edward saw her mind and there was….nothing, a big hole where Bella once was.

"Alice, what…," Edward stuttered, confused.

"Edward, I can't see the werewolves," Alice replied simply.

"But what would that," realization slowly dawned on him. "NO!" he screamed, "I will not let her go to some," he stuttered, " some…DOG!"

"There he is, "Emmett crossed over to Edward and slammed him on the back, "I was wondering where my brother was."

"How do I get her back?" Edward stared at his siblings, paralyzed with the fear of losing Bella twice and the pain at the thought that she might even now be comforted by the young werewolf.


	6. Chapter 6

Emmett and Jasper exchanged glances, they had never had to deal with this situation, they had never lost the women they loved, their other halves, their…reason for existence. More importantly, they had never been the cause of such pain as Edward had been in his situation with Bella.

Edward read all these thoughts swirling through their heads as the enormity of the situation hit him. How was he going to get Bella back?

Alice's mind seemed…oblivious to these concerns. She could see something, but she was closing her mind off to him. This was something that she wasn't going to make easy, but why, Edward wondered, when she loved Bella just as much as he did.

Then it dawned on him.

Alice was still upset…with him.

This was not a position that he liked to be in. Alice could be…well, she didn't forget and it was hard to gain her forgiveness, and she was not happy with what had happened, what he had done to Bella, and telling Alice that she could not say goodbye, that she was not to see or even think of Bella again.

Much though she loved him, Alice believed that Edward needed to suffer a bit.

She explained herself, a faraway expression on her face, "you don't understand Edward, you don't understand what she went through," Alice opened her mind to…Edward wasn't even sure, but Jasper's calm was immediately interrupted by what Alice had seen, and began to be reflected out to those around him. It was…pain. Incredible, overwhelmingly wretched pain.

It was what Bella had felt when he left.

Edward doubled over at the awful things that Bella had felt, that he had caused.

"Edward," Alice continued, "you hurt her. She screams at night, you know," she cast a glance toward him as he took in the enormity of what she was telling him…what he had done to Bella. "She wasn't happy with anything, cut herself off from the world, but, "she paused, glancing down toward him, "something…happened a few weeks ago. Her mood…improved, slightly, but I couldn't see her…it's because of him you know," she glanced down at Edward's confused expression, "the werewolves," she explained, "I can't see them, they cloud my vision. They have been cloudier and cloudier lately," she admitted, and then added, silently, in her head, as if she couldn't help it, "she couldn't know that of course."

Edward stood up very quickly and moved toward Alice, "She knows!?" he screamed, incredulously, "She knew he was a werewolf, and she still stays around him." His mind was made up, he turned and started out of the clearing, but Jasper had caught his mood and he and Emmett prevented Edward's escape.

"Let me go," Edward thrashed violently against Emmett, "it was bad enough before, but now this."

"Edward, "again Alice's voice threw a calming effect over the clearing as Jasper sent out waves of it, "Edward, we just went through this," she sighed, "that's the worst possible way to do things."

"Bella cannot be trusted with herself," Edward insisted, "becoming friends," he spat the word out, unable to form anything that would be more significant, "with a werewolf."

"Falling in love with a vampire, "Alice added.

"Hanging out with his awesome older brother," Emmett smirked at him and Edward truly wanted something to tear apart.


	7. Chapter 7

"Edward, you are going to need to learn how to, how to," Jasper struggled with how to word his thought, "court a woman, "he finally settled on. "This is going to be new territory for you, and it doesn't help that you left her like you did," Jasper's words were harsh but his thoughts were sympathetic and truly understanding.

"Lucky for you, Edward, I am here to help, "Emmett smacked Edward on the back, "and you will not be disappointed, the ladies love me and you need help," he said smugly.

"Rosalie loves you, "Edward replied tersely, "the ladies are scarred of you."

"Edward, "Alice cut in, "they are correct," she glanced at Emmett, "well, Jasper is correct, and Emmett is at least well-intentioned… in his own way, "Emmett shot her an angry look which she ignored as she continued, "this isn't going to be easy, and we all want to protect Bella and keep her safe from the wolves which is why we've been watching them."

A terrible thought occurred to Edward, "How many?" he demanded.

"A few, "Alice replied and while she could hide her thoughts from him, Jasper, military-minded as he was, could not.

" 12 " Edward screeched.

"There numbers have increased recently," Jasper explained, "we're not sure why but they do seem not to mean…any harm to Bella," he said slowly.

Edward growled, "They are dangerous and if they only recently turned, they are newborn."

"They did protect her from Laurent, "Alice reminded him.

"That doesn't matter," Edward yelled, he was extremely mad at himself for not fulfilling that need himself and instead leaving it to a bunch of..of…dogs, he thought distastefully.

"No Edward, "Alice said as a thought formed in his mind.

"It'll work Alice. I'll just go and get her and we'll keep here and then I'll work on her forgiveness while I know she's safe."

Jasper looked skeptical and began to form some word, "Edward, I'm not sure that's a good idea," Jasper thought about what Alice would do to him if he tried on that on her when she did things he didn't like. The results Jasper envisioned were not pleasant.

"Better," Edward said, ignoring the obvious problems, "I'll take her somewhere, South America, or Isle Esme!" He felt triumphant at his idea, "she'll be safe, we'll be away from the wolves and everything will be fine..," he trailed off as he saw his siblings' faces.

"Edward, "a new voice joined the fray, "that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard emitted from your rather irrational mouth, and that's saying something."

"Hello Rosalie," he acknowledged his sister.

"Edward, your fixation with Bella is irrational and stupid, but kidnapping her would lead to the slight problem of her father, the CHIEF OF POLICE, getting rather angry, and once he finds out that we've been here, where do you think his mind will lead? And then what do we do once he starts digging? You'll put this entire family at risk and I won't have that if I have to protect Bella from you myself."

Rosalie was unhappy with him. That was nothing new, but she was also settling herself to the fact that Edward was not going to let Bella go, combining with the fact that there were werewolves around and Emmett's tendency to do stupid things was causing her to become protective of the whole situation and try to figure a way out of it for Edward.

He sighed, unsure of how to proceed. He wasn't sure how he won Bella's heart in the first place, unworthy as he was, and now he had done something truly stupid and left the only woman who had ever touched his hardened heart. And now she was hanging around with werewolves…what if she was _with_ one of them. What would he do? He wanted her to move on, but NOT LIKE THAT.

The enormity of the task before him hit him and he was completely unsure of what to do. That seemed to be a recurring event with Bella.


End file.
